She always has a second cup at home

I went to the doctor yesterday and she told me that I have lumpy boobs. Not lumpy in a really bad way but lumpy in a fibroid kind of way. This creates an issue as it makes it hard to tell should I find myself lumpy in a bad way. This came about in discussion as she took way longer doing the check than normal and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t like me in that way.

I would also like to mention how much I had having to engage in small talk while someone is checking my nether regions in a most unpleasant way. I don’t even like small talk while someone is checking my nether regions in a pleasant way. I just hate small talk. I, oddly, found it a lot easier to engage in mindless banter with my old doctor who was an old man who quite resembled Colonel Sanders and sounded just like Ben Stein. This is not my point but I felt like sharing.

She says she wants me to significantly reduce my caffeine intake. Ho-ly shit. I have never considered myself a caffeine junky by any means. But, I love my morning coffee. I mean love it in a completely unhealthy way. Obviously. I don’t think it’s the caffeine as much as it’s just yummy. But, I am interested to see what happens as a result of switching to decaf. The total science geek in me thinks I should chart my own reactions just out of curiosity. It would require me to stay fully caffeinated for a week in order to gather baseline data. I’m certain I would have to chart information in the following areas:

• Hours (perhaps minutes) before biting someone’s head off upon office arrival
• Minutes (let’s be real here) before letting the first curse word fly in the morning
• Hours of sleep required to feel human

I’m open to other areas you folks may want me to chart as I am here for your entertainment. I think I may be able to rent myself to the local middle school as a Science Fair Project. I’m also wondering if switching to decaf is a good enough excuse to regularly come in late for work. “I’m sorry. I would have been here early but I now require 10 hours of sleep in order to function without an afternoon Coke.”

Comments

[Catherine]

Heh. I discovered this morning that my coffeemaker is broken, so its enforced coffee-deprivation for me! Just taper down gradually, go half-and-half with decaf/caffeinated... otherwise, headache central.

[kellypea]

Hmmm...I don't know that my boobs are especially lumpy, but I've had a lump removed, and have had a needle biopsy as well. No one mentioned caffeine in either of those situations. I've read that others have taken on the caffeine challenge for various reasons. My huzbink's brother for weight loss, my huzbink for the same reason. But the headaches where a bit much to deal with in the beginning. A couple of blogging friends, too. And they've all made great headway with cold turkey...Scary, huh? I drank only decaf when I was pregnant all three times and was just fine. But it's not the same. I'm wondering if women in France have lumpy boobs from drinking all that lovely coffee...Okay, so this comment made a lot of sense.

[A Bowl of Stupid]

Well, THAT sucks. Now I'm gonna have to cancel that hormone therapy cuz I'm not about to give up my coffee (or my opium, of course) and I don't want MY forthcoming boobs to be 'lumpy.'

[Nicole]

find a new doc, she is not right for you and does not know you well enough. Does she not know about your espresso maker?

[Brent]

I concur.

No coffee = new doctor.

Besides, what's a few lumps between friends.