About letting go

A few months ago I wrote a post about letting go. I was tired of letting go. I had vented to my friend Tracy that there are some things I would just like to be able to hold on to. Why can't I just keep some things? Why must everything go? Everything doesn't have to go but some things absolutely have to and that's just the way it is whether we like it or not. Right now, I am trying very hard to come to terms with that. I am realizing that a good part of the damage I do to myself is in direct correlation to not knowing what and when to let go. 

This Christmas was hard. The one before was even worse. I was used to Christmas a certain way and I had pictured how Christmas would always be. It was my childhood. Mom and Dad would stay up late Christmas Eve and get all the presents under the tree and everyone would wake up the next day and eat breakfast real late in their pajamas. This is what I wanted. I never wanted what I have. Switching back and forth between homes. One night with me. One night with her dad. All by myself on Christmas Eve.

I loved being pregnant and I love being a mom. I loved holding my daughter when she was a baby. I have loved every bit of the last four years even though they were hard because her dad worked nights and weekends. Child rearing was never a joint effort. We flew solo and never as a team. I always thought we'd have another kid but it seems that was never in the cards for us and probably a good thing. I will not have another child. In a few years the factory has to shut down and I know for certain there will not be any opportunities for production beforehand.

These things have hit me hard lately. The holidays made it worse and spun me into a horrible depression. Just horrible. I sat at home and thought to myself, "This is not my life. This is not what I want." Well, tough luck, it is my life. And part of it is my choosing. I traded one thing for another. If I had stayed married I would have been sitting in my chair at home thinking the same thing. This is not my life. This is not what I want.

Either way, what I'm realizing is it's a loss of a dream or of hope. There are times when I just need to give up. Let go. I need to let go of the Norman Rockwell Christmas and find a way to reinvent it. I can't have one anymore. Let it go and don't look back.

The same can be said for having another baby.It's not going to happen and I can't waste my time feeling sad about that. Accept it and move on. That's just the way it is. I need to find the ability to let go of the idea. Holding onto that hope is too much. I can't keep that.

I have been holding onto things much longer than I should either hoping that somehow the situation will change or making myself miserable for wanting what I can't have. I'm not doing that anymore. There are some things I will never let go of but they're the things I can control. Someday,I will publish a book. I can hold onto that. That's mine and I'm never letting it go. The rest? I may need to clean house.

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

                                                              - Langston Hughes

Comments

[pollywog]

What you need to do, my dear, is take the loss of the dream and make a new dream. Two Christmases ago was hard for me because it was the first without Dad and I found myself amazed how much he was the center of all family get togethers. Realizing the family had no desire to gather without him was a huge loss and one I struggled with. But now, I'm finding freedom in the change. I spent the Christmas season in the Caribbean and it rocked. You are never going to have the same Christmas. Screw it and make Christmas your own. You're alone on Christmas Eve? Come up with a plan. Maybe a movie marathon with the most decedent treats and lots of booze. Something you will look forward to. Stop dwelling.
And as for the kid thing, some of us wanted kids and have none because the opportunity wasn't there and now it's too late. So quit your bitching. I say this with nothing but affection. I'm trying to say I see you dwelling and feeling sorry for yourself and I know you're better than that. Change your perspective and look at all the things you have that others might be jealous of. Move forward, don't look back.
You know I love you more than my luggage.

[Catherine]

You need to start your own traditions. That's one thing I'm doing. I honestly don't know if I'll ever meet 'the one', and so I want to have a full and complete life myself, not keeping things on hold until, or if I meet someone.

I have not given up the dream of having my own child, even though I can hear the ticktocking (alarm bells?) of the biological clock. You do need to figure out if its right for you to have a second child, and if it is, well, there are options out there. Don't give up hope just because it may not be the traditional thing to do.

You don't have to give up your dreams, but you might have to tweak them a bit.

[islaygirl]

recently i have had that conversation with myself about more kids, and choices made, and taking responsibility for them, but also acknowledging that where i am now is NOT where i will be forever, and that i just need to keep slogging.

but i hate that panicky feeling of 'this is not my beautiful wife! this is not my beautiful house!'

anyway. i hear ya. just keep slogging, it will all come right.

[Nicole]

It is tough to have to think and make those decisions to end the dreams. I am proud of you. You looked at your life and as hard as it has been you made the decision to not live the lie of the old dreams. The dreams are so easy to have, even though you can not live them and can not live without them.

You will have that book and you know I will buy that book. I can always use someone else to stalk. And think of all the new dreams you have. The dreams of Pod as she grows, the dreams of your new traditions for every holiday and those little dreams your heart makes just to make you smile. May all your wishes happen and if not may all your drinks be strong and be the kind of martini that you want.