A Room of One's Own

He has a stalker!

I probably should not be laughing at this but it's too damn funny not to. My ex-husband has a stalker! When he first told me this, my first thought was that it was someone that he either arrested or he write a ticket. Oh no, it's a lady the had ONE date with. Please laugh with me.

I guess he tried the online dating this and met the psycho hose beast on match.com. He had one date with her and he didn't think there was going to be a second one so he just mentioned, you know, thanks but no thanks. Apparently, this was not acceptable. She knew where his beat was so she started going to the station and leaving notes on his car. She even called in a few fake police calls to get the police to come to her house because she's in his beat area and she thought he might be the one to respond.

Oh, holy crazy chick! First, lady, don't stalk a cop! What the hell is wrong with you? Bad move. So he talked to his sergeant about it and his sergeant told him to get a restaining order. So he did. Named myself and our daughter on it as he's not quite sure how crazy she is. Both of our information is protected so anything that is of "public record" had empty information. But, a simple few searches or so could link us to him.

I don't think she'd do anything stupid. She doesn't seem like the type. Why do I say this? Oh, because I think she has a slight sense of humor. It seems my ex-husband has had to delete his gmail account because she went online and signed him up for as many wesbite newsletters and websites that she could find. And some of them are just horribly wrong. Let's say they involve goats. Now, I have routinely threatened people that I would sign them up for the Ricky Martin Fan Club but I've never done it. She is a woman of action.

This also confirms something of which I was already pretty certain. I am not doing the online thing ever again. Not even after the year of no. There is just way to much crazy out there. As a matter of fact, I think the crazy is every where. I may not date until next decade. I am truly contemplating never dating again. Crazy, I tell you. Crazy.

So much to do...

I have been looking forward to tomorrow for weeks and weeks and I'm not ready. Tomorrow the girls come. Praise Jesus, the girls will be here!

Tomorrow Steph and Suzanne get in. This time tomorrow I will be sitting in my living room with those ladies, laughing, drinking wine and carrying on like we're in 8th grade. On Friday Kim, Jerusha and Deanna get in. Friday night will become exponentially more hilarious. I am in seriously bad condition as my abs class yesterday has left me sore and these ladies will be makingme laugh hard. Saturday is the signing for Deanna's second book. Yeah, our friend is hot shit.

I can't tell you how much I need this. I don't know that there are many things I have ever needed so bad in my life as this. My hose will be filled with love, friendship, and happiness. This is what I need to make this place a home. This weekend, this house becomes mine.

I'm cleaning, washing, wiping, sweeping and rearranging. I love it. Companyis good. Very, very good.

About letting go

A few months ago I wrote a post about letting go. I was tired of letting go. I had vented to my friend Tracy that there are some things I would just like to be able to hold on to. Why can't I just keep some things? Why must everything go? Everything doesn't have to go but some things absolutely have to and that's just the way it is whether we like it or not. Right now, I am trying very hard to come to terms with that. I am realizing that a good part of the damage I do to myself is in direct correlation to not knowing what and when to let go. 

This Christmas was hard. The one before was even worse. I was used to Christmas a certain way and I had pictured how Christmas would always be. It was my childhood. Mom and Dad would stay up late Christmas Eve and get all the presents under the tree and everyone would wake up the next day and eat breakfast real late in their pajamas. This is what I wanted. I never wanted what I have. Switching back and forth between homes. One night with me. One night with her dad. All by myself on Christmas Eve.

I loved being pregnant and I love being a mom. I loved holding my daughter when she was a baby. I have loved every bit of the last four years even though they were hard because her dad worked nights and weekends. Child rearing was never a joint effort. We flew solo and never as a team. I always thought we'd have another kid but it seems that was never in the cards for us and probably a good thing. I will not have another child. In a few years the factory has to shut down and I know for certain there will not be any opportunities for production beforehand.

These things have hit me hard lately. The holidays made it worse and spun me into a horrible depression. Just horrible. I sat at home and thought to myself, "This is not my life. This is not what I want." Well, tough luck, it is my life. And part of it is my choosing. I traded one thing for another. If I had stayed married I would have been sitting in my chair at home thinking the same thing. This is not my life. This is not what I want.

Either way, what I'm realizing is it's a loss of a dream or of hope. There are times when I just need to give up. Let go. I need to let go of the Norman Rockwell Christmas and find a way to reinvent it. I can't have one anymore. Let it go and don't look back.

The same can be said for having another baby.It's not going to happen and I can't waste my time feeling sad about that. Accept it and move on. That's just the way it is. I need to find the ability to let go of the idea. Holding onto that hope is too much. I can't keep that.

I have been holding onto things much longer than I should either hoping that somehow the situation will change or making myself miserable for wanting what I can't have. I'm not doing that anymore. There are some things I will never let go of but they're the things I can control. Someday,I will publish a book. I can hold onto that. That's mine and I'm never letting it go. The rest? I may need to clean house.

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

                                                              - Langston Hughes

Teaching what you don't want to

I had to do two of the hardest things I have ever done in my life today. Early this afternoon, I had to let go of my darling Siamese cat, Chicken Wing. After that, I had to teach my daughter about death. This has not been a fun day.

My cat had renal kidney failure, a common occurrence in Siamese, about for years ago. She was bad. I didn't know how she was going to make it but she did. She bouncedback well. She relapsed two and a half years ago but was bounced back yet again. I took her to the vet because she wasn't herself the last few days. She always sleeps next to me on the bed and she hadn't popped up there in three days and hadn't eaten in that time as well. I knew what was happening so I called the vet for the next possible appointment. I thought she was going to be okay because she was much more responsive that her first episode and I could actually get her to purr last night.

After he ran test, he called and told me that her result came back that her kidneys had all but completely shut down. We could hydrate her and try to jump start them and then if that worked, which was a maybe, she would have to get an IV injection of fluids under her skin every day for the rest of her life. She hates that damn thing. At that point, there was only one option. I couldn't have her live like that. She would fear me for the rest of her life and I would be keeping her alive so she could hide from me because she'd see me as that needle and I can't do the IV everyday. It hurts me too much.

I called my mom on the way to the vet and she came up to meet me. Thank God for that woman. There was no way she was going to let me go through this alone even though it pained her. My dad always took care of these things when they needed to be done. So together we sent her off with a lot of tears and an immense amount of love.

Then I had to tell my daughter that Chicken was gone. I told her in the car in the parking lot at school.I didn't think she'd get it as much as she did but she cried and cried and cried. I had to explain that Chicken was in Heaven. That's when she got me. She was so concerned that Chicken missed her and that she had no one to love her up in Heaven and that she would be sad. Then came the reassuring that Heaven is a good place and gave her the long list of people and pets that were already there. She felt happy that Chicken insisted on spending her last few days on her bed in her room. She said it's because Chicken loves her. I think so.

Chicken was in my life for 12 years. She loved me when I was sick. She beat up my yellow lab regularly. She could draw you over to her from across the room with her eyes. She had impeccable taste in men. She could catch a bird mid-flight even though she had no claws. She yelled at me when I got home from vacations but forgave me everytime. She was company enough when I had none. My life is definitely missing something now.

One thing down. Check.

I went hiking today for the first time in a long time. It made me feel very good though I couldn't fully enjoy it as I brought the dog with me and he was quite the distraction. I could only go so far as the incline was really rocky and he couldn't do it. Poor Charlie. But, I'm heading out again next Sunday and plan to make it a regular Sunday activity. I'm so excited about it and I don't remember the last time I was really excited about anything, so this is good. There are dozens and dozens of trails near me and I want to see as many as I can. What a better way to stay in shape, spend good alone time and reflection at the top of a mountain sounds so delightful to me.

On the topic of not being excited about something, I have made the decision to not only pass on chairing this committee for the Junior League next year but I'm freezing my membership. I'm not quitting flat out. I can put it all on hold and go back someday if I want to and not have to start over. I have been reflecting a lot on the past year. I have been very stressed out, frustrated, tired and unhappy. I have determined that the Junior League is the biggest influence on this. I don't enjoy it at all. It's not for me.

I know a lot of people get a good amount of enjoyment out of it and that's great. Just not me. I agreed to chair this committee because I was flattered that the asked, interested in opportunities it might bring and, more than anything, I felt obligated. As this is my year of no, I can't do anything anymore because I feel obligated to. I don't want to feel like I "should" do something. Should is a four letter word. The only thing I should be doing right now is trying to find my happy. I want my happy back.

I'm looking for peace. I'm not going to find peace in a group of 350 women, half of which are not there for the love of civic involvement but merely to add something to their resume. It has drained me and taken way too much of my time and energy. I need to gain more time and energy right now so I'm in no position to give it.

I have a number of other organizations I'm involved in and I'm keeping them. I was asked to serve on a Board for a leadership organization I was part of last year. I jumped at that chance. That group has given back to me ten fold. They are like family and I feel good whenever I do anything in connection to them. Last year, they were so much a part of my center. I learned so much about myself and they are a group that truly makes you feel loved, respected and appreciated. I need much more of that.

Now, at this point, it's a waiting game for early April to get here. I have never bitten at the bit so much to quit something but I have to tell you the mere thought of not having to go to headquarters once a week, a membership meeting once a month, a council meeting once a month, and a committee meeting once a month makes my spirit kind of soar. I want cookbooks out of the back of my car. I just want to be done. I want my life back. 

My philosophy for 2008

Kate and I had many a hair-brained idea. This time last year we had convinced ourselves that other people would laugh at our lives so it would be best if we put pen to paper and accounted for it. This came about after Kate had what could be considered the most bizarre first date ever. I can't even begin to explain that date. Neither could she, but it was funny. Dating in general was a rather entertaining endeavor and she convinced me that in order to share her pain and be able to write good solid material, I would have to start dating. I was up for anything that makes good fodder for writing material.

She convinced me even further by telling me all about this book she read about a woman's "year of yes." This lady went out with anyone and everyone that happened to ask her out regardless of whether they were her type,unattractive, male or even homeless. It was her learning experience. I have thought long and hard about that writer and her undertaking and have milled many things over in my mind. I have been inspired by such a concept. So, I would like to officially declare 2008 my "year of no." That's right. No.

This year, if I am asked out on a date, my answer is no. I will say it nicely. I may utter it as, "No, thank you." I may offer no explanation at all. Just no. I have shared this thought with a few friends and they think I am bat-shit crazy. Frankly, I don't care. I like my philosophy. It's not out of bitterness or anger or anything else it's just no. One little word. They are quick to point out that this closes me off to opportunity. I'm okay with that. "Opportunity may only knock once," they say. In this case, if opportunity wants in, opportunity it is going to have to knock, then ring the bell, then go around the house and to the back door and knock there. Opportunity may have to engage in breaking and entering.

I have also decided that this extends past dating. I am way too accomodating. I am the girl you go to if you need something done because I am going to say yes. The most stressful part of my year has been my involvement in the Junior League. I said yes when I should not have. A decision I deeply regret and I can't wait until April when I cane with the committee I so woefully agreed to chair. They will ask me to do it again and I will look them straight in the eye, smile, and say, "No." I can guarandamntee you it will feel good.

This year, I am not going to feel obligated to do a damn thing. If I do something, it's going to be because I want to. I will not feel guilt. I understand the whole idea tat if you don't do for others, when you need someone no one will be there. Let me just say that there are plenty of things I have said yes to in the past that I like just fine. I will foster those and not take on anything else that isn't exactly in line with where I am. This is so liberating I can't even stand it.

I was going to write a whole bunch of New Years Resolutions but I think this just about covers everything. No. This is my year of no.