A Room of One's Own

Rollerderby, flying insects and a total freak

A few months ago, a had been looking for local hiking groups so I could have some company while I hiked, or at least witnesses to slipping and falling on my ass. I found a website called meetup.com and in a valient effort to jump start my social life joined a few hiking groups, a social group, a wine tasting group, a writing group. I love the idea of someone else planning events and all I have to do is just so up. Beautiful. Last night I went to a rollerderby with the social group. Yes, all girl rollerderby. Skating pirates against skating nurses. You can only imagine my delight!

I live by the rollerderby rink so I got there right before it started. There was a group of us, about 25, but I only saw one guy I knew. I sat down next to a very awesome chick named Melissa as all seats next to Matt were taken. I now totally adore her. I made quick friends with the guys who ended up sitting behind me, one of which, David, I already knew. Then there was the guy sitting to my left. We'll call him Creepy McCreeperson.

He was sitting very close to me. And he was a close talker. I hate close talkers. If you're going to come that close to my face you had better be either Rob Lowe or a martini. Period. This man was totally devoid of social graces. He would periodically ask me the most generic questions you could imagine as though he had a list in his pocket of shit to ask. "Is this your first meetup?" "Have you lived here long?" "What kind of music do you like?" "What do you do for fun?" Mixed in are some very dumb questions. "Have you been to a concert?" Like, ever? I am quite annoyed. And when he asks them, he leans in. There is no way I can even turn my head because the mere thought is too frightening. I can feel his creepy breath on me when he asks these questions. Eww. I am trying to look completely enthralled in rollerderby and answer with one word responses. It is not working. He keeps asking me things. Then he starts a chain of questions that take a very bad turn. Very bad. Into dark heinous places.

Creepy McCreeperson: "What other meetups are you part of?"

Me: "Oh, a few. I don't really remember."

Creepy: "Did you know there's one for group sex? Yeah, I joined but then I realized it was mostly all men so I unjoined."

Me: (rendered speechless)

What the fuck?!?!?!? At what point in a casual situation does a complete stranger decide it is an okay thing to do to mention a general liking of orgies? Oh. My. God. Now I want to run far far away. I am mortified and yet paralyzed. I am now using every piece of my existence to will him to leave. I am trying to conjure a plague of locusts, anything. I just want him gone. I am now wholly dependent on Melissa to save me and she went to the bathroom! I am just sitting there trying to figure out why God hates me. I'm a nice person. I don't kick puppies. I was never so happy to see someone as when Melissa came back.

Creepy decides that he hates rollerderby and leaves. I finally breathe and then turn to my cohorts and inform them of the last few goings on. "You need a panic face," says my friend David. No shit, dude! We're having a great laugh. I tell them I am going to quit the meetup and join again under an assumed name so when new member Matilda RSVPs for stuff, it's me. Then the plague of locusts show up.

We are now under attack by the largest flying insects you could imagine. We'll talking Gregor Samsa with wings. I am certain one of them was so large, it had landing gear. Melissa is very afraid. Rightfully so. These things are gnarly. She finally looks at us and just says in such a pathetic sweet little voice, "Why can't they look like kittens?" I don't think I have heard a roar of laughter quite as loud as the response to that. I am still cracking up over it. After a few minutes we settle back down and I'm chatting with the nice non-creepy guy who moved down and took Creepy's space and one of these things lands on my hair! I have very thick hair and I do not notice! The people around me are freakng out and then I only feel a slight tickle. I just cringed thinking about it again. Insects the size of bats and now I've touched one.

We went to a pub afterwards and had a great time and I got home shortly after midnight and stayed up rather late just laughing at my whole night. Certainly, you could not have predicted such a night upon leaving the house.   

Day late and a few eggs short

So, we just got done coloring Easter eggs. Yes, I am fully aware of the fact that it is March 29th and six whole days after Easter. Remember that you're dealing with a woman here who went to great lengths to pick out darling Christmas cards, write them out and address them all according to Martha Stewart's prescribed schedule in the December 2007 issue of Martha Stewart Living only to put them in her car to mail them and never get that accomplished. Yes, they are still in the side console of my car as I type this. Mental note: mail soon.

I have decided that dyeing Easter eggs is just one more in a long line of activities that have been created for the sole purpose of driving parents ape shit. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a very cute little concept and my daughter sure did have a good time. But the whole thing is just a pain in the ass. I never remember that you should rinse off or at the very least wipe off the egg dipper before putting a different egg in a different color. Okay, I remembered but, true to my slacker mom nature, completely disregarded this rule.  All of our eggs have a little halo around their tops that hint to the color that they sat next to.

Also, I have laminate counter tops. Oh, how I wish that were not so. But, alas, this is my current lot in life. It also bears mentioning that the laminate counter tops are beige. This is better than green but it does mean that post egg dyeing this morning, they are actually speckled. Again, I stood there dropping the eggs into the dye and thinking, "Really, I should have put something under these cups." Did I? Of course not. I even threw caution so heavily toward the wind that half way through I figure the egg dropper was too much of a burden to bear and started just plunking those bad boys right into the cups, which I had also over filled.

Now it's just me an my Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. I might have to admit that part of the reason I didn't care that we got dye everywhere is that it gave me an excuse to use the Magic Eraser. Sick. I know. It's just that I'm fascinated with that thing. I am not kidding, I have had many a guest at the house who has had to endure an infomercial-like demonstration of it's remarkable abilities. I truly enjoy the shocked look on people faces when I write an obscenity on my beige laminate counter tops only to amaze them with the wiping of it clean. 

We return to your regularly scheduled programming

Seriously, I started writing the previous post and my computer did this nifty little trick where it would kept shutting the window. I was not pleased. Where was I?

The light at the end of the tunnel? Yep. Okay. And I don't think it was a train. That was like getting a punchline of a joke two days later...

I'm taking guitar lessons! Yes, I am on my way to becoming a certified rock star. I have a totally cool guitar teacher named Gal (pronouced Gaul). Nevermind that his house smells funny. He's an excellent teacher and has me doing all kinds of cool things like the Pentatonic Scale. Very fun. I wish I had more time to practice. I actually have time to practice but if I make it look like I'm too busy to practice I feel better about not actually practicing when I should. Oh the tangled webs I weave.

I have started making new friends! I feel so 4th grade. I joined a few clubs on meetup.com for hiking and socializing and such and have meet many cool people. On Saturday night, I'm going to a roller derby with one group. Seriously, watching people dressed up as pirates versus people dressed up like nurses. All on roller skates. Could you think of anything more fun? No, you can't. Don't try.

Speaking of meeting new people, I have a delightful man I'm not dating. Yes, you read that right. At this point we are friends. We met on match.com and through one of the meetups. Don't know if it will develop to another stage or not. We're just kind of hanging. There may be a pupa stage. There may not be. Either way, I'm perfectly happy. He fun, very sweet and cute as hell.

I knit a peret. I can't really expound on that. It's cute and I feel so very French in it. Yes, it is raspberry colored. I had to...

I'm getting a ginnormous tax return. Big enough to pay off all of my credit card debt, cover the cost of a trip to Mexico with my sister and brother-in-law, and a trip to Austin with the grls to hand out at my friend Ashley's new house, AND redo my backyard. Freedom from debt is a glorious thing but I am so excited about the backyard. My irrigation system is finally fixed! Wow!

That's pretty much it for right now. I will solemnly swear to never neglect you again. Feel free to chastise me for being negligent. I deserve it. And yes, I missed you too.

Okay! Enough already!

I Dang it! Ihave had no less than four people comment on the fact that I have not updated my blog in a month, which is the longest I have ever gone without posting. I know. I am a horrible person. So where was I? What have I been doing?

I've been having a fabulous time is what I've been doing. I've been busier at work than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest but I'm starting to feel like I am gettng a handle on things. I'm exceptionally proud of the fact that I have not taken a single hostage! Good for me, no? The next three weeks are go to be grueling but I am certain that I c