Rollerderby, flying insects and a total freak

A few months ago, a had been looking for local hiking groups so I could have some company while I hiked, or at least witnesses to slipping and falling on my ass. I found a website called meetup.com and in a valient effort to jump start my social life joined a few hiking groups, a social group, a wine tasting group, a writing group. I love the idea of someone else planning events and all I have to do is just so up. Beautiful. Last night I went to a rollerderby with the social group. Yes, all girl rollerderby. Skating pirates against skating nurses. You can only imagine my delight!

I live by the rollerderby rink so I got there right before it started. There was a group of us, about 25, but I only saw one guy I knew. I sat down next to a very awesome chick named Melissa as all seats next to Matt were taken. I now totally adore her. I made quick friends with the guys who ended up sitting behind me, one of which, David, I already knew. Then there was the guy sitting to my left. We'll call him Creepy McCreeperson.

He was sitting very close to me. And he was a close talker. I hate close talkers. If you're going to come that close to my face you had better be either Rob Lowe or a martini. Period. This man was totally devoid of social graces. He would periodically ask me the most generic questions you could imagine as though he had a list in his pocket of shit to ask. "Is this your first meetup?" "Have you lived here long?" "What kind of music do you like?" "What do you do for fun?" Mixed in are some very dumb questions. "Have you been to a concert?" Like, ever? I am quite annoyed. And when he asks them, he leans in. There is no way I can even turn my head because the mere thought is too frightening. I can feel his creepy breath on me when he asks these questions. Eww. I am trying to look completely enthralled in rollerderby and answer with one word responses. It is not working. He keeps asking me things. Then he starts a chain of questions that take a very bad turn. Very bad. Into dark heinous places.

Creepy McCreeperson: "What other meetups are you part of?"

Me: "Oh, a few. I don't really remember."

Creepy: "Did you know there's one for group sex? Yeah, I joined but then I realized it was mostly all men so I unjoined."

Me: (rendered speechless)

What the fuck?!?!?!? At what point in a casual situation does a complete stranger decide it is an okay thing to do to mention a general liking of orgies? Oh. My. God. Now I want to run far far away. I am mortified and yet paralyzed. I am now using every piece of my existence to will him to leave. I am trying to conjure a plague of locusts, anything. I just want him gone. I am now wholly dependent on Melissa to save me and she went to the bathroom! I am just sitting there trying to figure out why God hates me. I'm a nice person. I don't kick puppies. I was never so happy to see someone as when Melissa came back.

Creepy decides that he hates rollerderby and leaves. I finally breathe and then turn to my cohorts and inform them of the last few goings on. "You need a panic face," says my friend David. No shit, dude! We're having a great laugh. I tell them I am going to quit the meetup and join again under an assumed name so when new member Matilda RSVPs for stuff, it's me. Then the plague of locusts show up.

We are now under attack by the largest flying insects you could imagine. We'll talking Gregor Samsa with wings. I am certain one of them was so large, it had landing gear. Melissa is very afraid. Rightfully so. These things are gnarly. She finally looks at us and just says in such a pathetic sweet little voice, "Why can't they look like kittens?" I don't think I have heard a roar of laughter quite as loud as the response to that. I am still cracking up over it. After a few minutes we settle back down and I'm chatting with the nice non-creepy guy who moved down and took Creepy's space and one of these things lands on my hair! I have very thick hair and I do not notice! The people around me are freakng out and then I only feel a slight tickle. I just cringed thinking about it again. Insects the size of bats and now I've touched one.

We went to a pub afterwards and had a great time and I got home shortly after midnight and stayed up rather late just laughing at my whole night. Certainly, you could not have predicted such a night upon leaving the house.   

Comments

[delmer]

I was talking with a woman who'd gone on a date with a new guy who, very early on, asked what types of sexual things she liked.

Talking about sexual preferences with guys on a first date was not one of the sexual things she liked.

I like to think it's the creepy guys that make the rest of us look all the more normal ... but then I have to think that, maybe, the creepy guys *don't* know they're creepy. And, you know, I could be creepy too and just blind to it.

(Thanks for mentioning Meetup. I've been looking for a cycling group in order to develop some sort of social life and that looks like a good place to start.)