I guess it was time

It's been a little over a year since my friendship with someone I held very dear ended. It ended very abuptly and under troubling and confusing circumstances. As it turned out, Kate was not what she seemed. She had spun herself a web of deceit and lies, from a glossed over criminal record to the made up history of a mutual friend. What resulted was a lot of hurt and anger. I have spent over a year being too mad at Kate to even feel any shred of sadness over the loss of the friend I thought I had. I had such a hard time believing what of Kate's friendship was real to feel sad for it not being there anymore.

I forced her out of my mind and whenever somethng came up I brushed right by it. And a lot comes up. Kate and I shared many late night phone calls, emails, and a great East Coast trip including a fabulous 36 hours in Manhattan. That 36 hours made enough memories to make it seem like a week. We got on the wrong train heading to Ground Zero from Midtown and ended up in Brooklyn. We sat across from each other on the N train with the same look on our face that said, "Bitch, we are NOT supposed to be crossing the East River." We didn't say a word. We didn't have to.

Kate was drama personified. Every week was something else. Her mom. Her boyfriend. Her job. Her diabetes. Her living arrangement. Her friends. Her uterus. Her finances. But Kate could be very fun. Kate could shine when she wanted to. What has disturbed me after the shit hit the proverbial fan was how much of her was real and was what illusion?

Today is the first day I feel like I've felt any kind of sadness. I think there are other emotions in there but I'm not sure what they are. I still feel betrayed, taken advantage of, and angry. So why now? Why am I finally acknowledging it? A stupid movie. I've been sitting here just knitting and have been happy as a clam listening to my music. Joni Mitchell's Both Side Now came one. Admittedly, one of my favorite songs ever. It is also in Love Actually, which both Kate and I love. The first few lines of Love Actually are so meritous that I have nearly posted them a dozen times. I never had because Kate beat me to it on her blog and, well, I can't have that. But the song made me think of the movie, and the movie made me think of Kate and I just really gave myself a good long time to sit and think about it.

I don't think I can ever forgive Kate for what she did to all of us. To me. I was a good friend to her and I deserved so much better. She is a major contributor to the reason I find it so hard to trust people. She has made me leary of others and their intentions. Forgiveness is the greatest gift we can give another person. Second to that is the act of apology itself. Genuine apology. Those sweet words of "I was wrong and I'm sorry and I'm going to make it right." Given kindly, selflessly. For no one else's benefit than the recipient. The reciprocity of the gift of forgiveness is up to the person who was done wrong. I have never been given the choice.

Comments

[A Bowl of Stupid]

V, I'm sorry to read/hear about the whole situation - it's the first I've heard or it.

As an aside, not to be critical of anything else you've written, but this was probably the best thing you've written here (since the but dimple thing, of course). Tapping into the pain is good - it's cathartic, and it makes for some damn good writing.