Tech Support - the necessary evil

I hate that tech support is necessary for me. But let's face it, I have the technological skills of a root vegetable. They are non-existent. This is partially the reason why my DirecTV HD receiver has turned into more of a tabletop for DVD's that a usable piece of technology equipment. Tonight, after realizing that I've not watched the Food Channel in three weeks, I decided to do something about it. I called tech support. Mind you, I'm still actually on the phone with them. I am certain the guy I'm talking to is doing a crossword. We're spending some quality time together.

Let's talk about my companion for a minute, shall we? From the sound of his voice he sounds like a late 20's fellow with slightly disheveled dirty blonde hair. He is visibly chubby and looks like he is retaining a good amount of water, mostly in his face. The very high sodium Cheddar Flavored Ruffles Big Grab he had with lunch is not helping this situation. He's wearing a red t-shirt and baggy jeans. Picture Ralphie May only not funny. Not that I know any of this to be fact but I've spent a good deal of time with this guy today (I don't even know his name, I feel so cheap). In fact, I think that in some third world countries, we may be married by now.

My problem is that my HD Receiver is trying to act like it doesn't exist. There is no sign of life in there. At all. So my buddy here is is having me try all kinds of things to get it to spring to life. This is electronic CPR and I have NO certifications to make me capable here. Let's say I have crawled behind my TV (which fits tightly into a little nook) and unplugged and replugged shit about 13 times. In between the plugging and the unplugging I am waiting for various items to power up and reset themselves as if to magically solve all the world's issues. Iraq? Just unplug it, wait 30 seconds, and plug it back in. Avian flu? Same thing.

I have tried to remain patient here but my last round of plugging and unplugging required me to move my HD receiver to another outlet somewhere in the house all together and plugging it in there to see if the light goes on. OH HELL NO! If I unplug anything beyond a power cord I will be on the phone for 3 subsequent hours trying to get it all to work again. Hell no. So there I am fishing around in my garage in the dark. Yes, my garage light is out and I have not replaced that either. It may require unhinging something and it freaks me out. I'm searching for an extension cord at this point. After swearing 14 times because I'm trying to find the cord and hold a cell phone on speaker (why am I this stupid?) I head back inside and feel no sense of hope. None. And rightfully so. It doesn't work.

So, I am now told that I need a new receiver. Ya' think? And it is free of charge save the $19.95 for shipping and handling. And the tax on the shipping and handling. Greaaaaaat. I should have it next week. Fabulous. I thank my friend, Randy as it turns out, for the last 32 minutes of my life and I'm done. I thought I was done but now I realize that I am going to need to hook my Tivo back up to the new receiver. If they send me a different model receiver, I am certain I am totally screwed and will have to call Randy back. "Randy, hi. I know you said we were through, but really, I'm lacking closure and any suitable way to record Throwdown with Bobby Flay. I need you."