Good in theory, bad in practice

I want to like yoga. I really do. I want to be one of those yoga people. I want the cute outfits and to feel all at peace with the world. My only problem is that I hate yoga. This is a huge issue. It also has made me realize why I don’t eat sushi. I so badly want to be one of those sushi people, as well. I’m just afraid I’ll hate it and then where will I be? Shunned by the masses because I only eat cooked fish? Sounds less appealing that ingesting raw octopus.

 

I went to a new yoga class at the gym at lunch today. It was the longest hour of my entire life. It looked something like this:

 

10:58 – Excellent, I am early. Is Mr. Clean the yoga teacher? Please don’t play that chanting music, mmmm’kay?

 

11:05 – Okay, full room. Most everyone is older than me. I’m doing pretty well. I know it’s only the first five minutes but I am certain I can kick everyone’s ass at this. Wait. Is yoga even a competitive sport?

 

11:12 – Thank you Mr. Clean for your exemplary skills in selecting suitable yoga music and not subjecting me to chanting music. However, I will be forwarding you a memo with a list of songs that I can’t hear without feeling the need to sing along. My desire to belt out “Levon” is distracting me. Don’t you know he was born a pauper to a pawn on a Christmas Day when the New York Times said God was dead?

 

11:14 – “Levon” not withstanding I simply cannot balance on one of anything. Feet, hands, knees, you name it. My mind and body don’t function correctly as individual entities. You want me to try getting them to do what I want together? Sure. I’m starting to dislike you, Mr. Clean.

 

11:22 – Oh my God. Only 22 minutes have passed. Will this never end? I loathe yoga. Parts of me are twitching that I do not want twitching unless I’m sequestered away with a member of the opposite sex. Are we listening to John Mayer? John Mayer… Opposite sex…. John Mayer…. Shit, I’m falling over.

 

11:26 – Can I just sit in Child Pose for the next 34 minutes? I swear, I’ll bring a note from my mom for the next class. I wonder how noticeable it would be if I went to the bathroom and never came back. It worked on a date once. It could work here.

 

11:38 – How often do they clean these mats? Why didn’t I bring my own? Something in here smells like feet.

 

11:43 – Alright, look little girl to the right of me. I get it. You can bend in half way better than I can. It’s because you’re short. Okay? There I said it. I didn’t want to have to get nasty but you’re showing off and I don’t appreciate it. I can’t help it if God made me long limbed. There is a hell of a lot more distance between my midsection and the floor than for you. Stop making me feel inferior you little bitch! God.

 

11:51 – Tree Pose. Great. Brilliant. I am certain that if you gave a flamingo a really significant amount of cocaine it would look exactly as I do now. Can we just end this?

 

11:58 – Excellent. The lie in Corpse Pose part of the afternoon. I like this part. I am really good at pretending to be dead. I should have thought of this earlier. It’s much easier to act like you’ve died rather than to pull off faking a collapsed lung effectively.

 

Mr. Clean gives us the typical yoga speech about sharing your practice with those around you. Sadly, I don’t think he realizes that I’m only here to try and firm up my ass and not to increase my level of social engagement. I’ll keep that to myself. I high tailed it out of the room before anyone could see my face in real light and someday recognize me as the Girl for Fell Over All the Time During Yoga Class. That would be embarrassing. Accurate, but embarrassing.

 

Next week: Vanessa tries the New York City Ballet Workout. Oh yeah. Good times are ahead.

 

Comments

[Kelli]

This is precisely why I don't "practice" yoga. Because I'm sure that even with "practice", I would still suck at it.

Signed,
Don't like sushi either.

[Sherri]

I tried yoga once and never went back. I can't even do it right on my Wii Fit. And I don't eat seafood at all so let's go to dinner together and we can be the girls who don't eat sushi together.

[Auntie Mame]

Well you know what they call sushi in Texas, dontcha? BAIT. eww - raw fish - ewww

[Girl With Curious Hair]

I love sushi. I love yoga. Please don't hate me when I say, you can't totally write off yoga without trying it a few times. The instructor and group is very important. I have a favorite instructor I drive a good distance to see, but hate the instructor at the location by my house. As a petite person, let me assure you that my height or lack thereof does not help me at all. As a matter of fact, it occasionally hinders my best efforts.

Regarding sushi, start with rolls that have cooked seafood and gradually work your way up. After 11 years, I still don't like urchin or octopus.

Of course, you may just be a steak eating, kickboxing kind of a gal--which is delightfully fun as well.

[Auntie Mame]

And speaking of music (you mean we weren't, shit - too late) I got something cool for your blog - www.playlist.com - you can put music on your blog - make your own playlist - so cool - my blog is heavy into Billie Holiday...

[halfy]

i hate Sushi too. actually i've never tried it but i am too scared to eat anything raw or fishy. i don't do seafood.

if you try the NYC ballet dvds, make sure you have a big wide space with no carpet or rugs. i have one of them and even with all the years of ballet i had as a kid/teen, it's still decent workout. but you need lots of space. good luck with ballet if yoga and balancing wasn't your thing!

[A Bowl of Stupid]

I'm with 'Curious' on this one, V -- if you're in a yoga class (or ANY class, for that matter) where they're playing John Mayer, you may wish to reconsider your choice of instructors.

Trust me, I've been practicing yoga going on 10 years now, and it can be a rewarding process with the right training/instructors.

P.S. I guess you could always try that 'pole dancing/strip-tease workout' crap instead ... what the hell do I know, right?