An upswing

My relationship with my house is a roller coaster. I paid too much for it. I bought it at I time I shouldn't have and for the wrong reasons. The backyard has been a disaster of irrigation repairs. I hate every major appliance in it with very specific disdain for my stove. But we've had our good days. In January, I filled this house with more love and laughter that I ever thought possible. That weekend it became a home and will be one of my fondest memories here and always. My child lives here and her laughter fills the halls, even when she's not here.

Today I found contentment and calm here. I got up early and cleaned the whole house and made a vat of marinara sauce. I lounged on my couch and read a backlog of Food & Wine about six months deep. The house was just quiet. I didn't even hold my usual Sunday morning church. After a long nap, I putzed around my house listening to Joni Mitchell and Jeff Buckley and not wanting to do much of anything else.

I settled into the couch, started reading a book on Toltec wisdom, which is amazing and exhausting all at the same time. Lit about 392 candles and I am on about hour three of Chopin. I've gone through all of the Nocturnes. I've prepped some food for tomorrow's dinner. I've not talked to a soul.

About an hour and a half ago it occurred to me that it just felt good.I saw, in a rare moment, how beautiful my house is. The candles are a substitute for the winter fireplace I've missed. The green wall of the kitchen is perfect, even as flawed as it is. I have pictures all over the house and books are in every single room, as many as I can logically put there. My bedroom has become like a sanctuary and a much happier place since I hung the pictures of downtown Savannah. Yes, the carpet needs replacing and the countertops stain way too easily and the master bath shower is way too small. But, it's mine and it's beautiful.

I could spend a lot more time like this. No TV, no voices, no expectations, no to-do list. I have a long way to finding peace here, but it's coming.

Comments

[Kelly O]

'Nessa sometimes it takes a storm for us to truly appreciate the peace in life. I know you've weathered a lot these last few years, and maybe now is the time your mind and heart are truly ready for it.

(I can't wait to get to that point. There is something amazing there, and we all should be able to experience it.)

[Keli]

I understand. I've always found my house, no matter the shape or needy repairs, to be my haven. My escape. And to be with loved ones in your haven makes it a little piece of heaven. Sounds like you had a lovely, relaxing day!