I guess it has been a while

I am in a funk.

I went to bed last night at 8:45. My house is a mess and I knew I should clean it. I have a great book I'm in the middle of and I didn't even feel like reading it. I didn't feel like doing a damn thing. I couldn't think of one thing that would make me feel good to do. So I went to bed.

I'm absolutely exhausted. I have to restructure my department at work. I got this news a couple days before our big all day staff retreat. We locked ourselves away for 6 hours and did nothing but strategic planning. This entire week has been spent putting action plans together. It has consumed all of my time this week. But my staff feels inspired and morale is actually good for the first time in ages. I'm eaten lunch at my desk every day and put in some time after Caroline went to bed. The strategic plan is almost 7 pages so far and impressive. But it's not the end. Then I have to do the Board's strategic plan and put together a $7.5 million budget by the end of the month. I have no idea when sleep will be occurring.

I've been more short tempered than usual with Caroline because I've just not had anything left at the end of the day. I have had to force myself to step back, look at her, and she how wonderful she is and then just scoop her up and love on her. I feel bad for her that I can't give her more.

I feel like shit. I keep waking up feeling hungover without having even drank anything. I am still cramping like hell from my procedure. My hormone levels are still way above normal and when you combine this with the 5 pounds I currently have with me that I'd rather not have, I feel fat and ugly. Today starts the major ass kicking workouts at the gym as I'm going to Mexico at the end of the month and goddamn I want to look cute in my new bathing suit. How I'm going to actually find the energy to workout is way beyond me.

I'm beginning to completely lose faith in the male species. I have had the worst luck a girl could possibly have in the last two years. That's not even counting the two years of heinousness that I call the last two years of my marriage. That's a good four years of sheer disappointment. I am tired of being disappointed. I have been let down too much too often. I'm not getting bitter. I said I'd never do that but I've lost hope.

I have writer's block. I've not blogged much because I feel like I have nothing to say. About two weeks ago I did some outlining for some writing because I felt inspired and creative and very excited. I've sat down with those outlines a number of times and nothing has come out. Anything that did sounded trite and like absolute drivel. Just crap. Most times I've just sat and stared at a blank computer screen.

I know I just broke out the ballons and the banner for a full fledged pity party. And fuck it. I don't care. I'm allowed to feel this way every now and again. I reserve the right. It won't last forever but I may need to just wallow a little. And sleep. A lot.

Comments

[Auntie Mame]

Whoa - step back, take a breath. The house isn't dirty, just messy - so what - is Martha Stewart expected? You know what your Grandmother says "If people come to see my house, they come once, if they come to see me, they'll come again"

Work is important - but prioritize, one step at a time, rest, go back - it'll get done. Play with your daughter - it'll refresh you.

Men - take them off the agenda for awhile - you got work, your daughter, your home, friends, your writing - I thought you were gonna make it all about you for a change.

Have that party - make it a pot-luck - spend time with folks who love you.

And for crap's sake - Love yourself a lot - we all do.

[Kelly O]

It happens to everyone hon. You are under tremendous amounts of stress, and it HAS been a rough couple of years. You're due a pity party - make good drinks and know your friends wish they could be there with you to sort through the crap.

[abbagirl]

i agree with the previous comments. you've got so much on your plate right now. you do absolutely need to make sure you find time when you are doing stuff for YOU that YOU want to do.

in regards to the writer's block, it happens. i think you're trying to push yourself too hard to write. you have to let it come to you! take a break from trying to write and go out and have fun! starting to work out again might be the key (although i'm not sure it's such a good idea so soon after the procedure!! wait a week or so more -- stay home and eat chocolate instead!!). working out spurs up those endorphins, and it also helps me and clears my head and gets me refocused and calm again.

i do feel you, though. it's hard, when you're doing so many things that you HAVE to do. you lose focus of yourself. that vacation to mexico will be good for you!

hang in there!

[Cheryl]

Oh good, someone else out there has days like mine! Thanks, I feel a lot better. I'm really good at throwing pity parties for one. No one else will come - they don't want to listen!