A Room of One's Own

Let me tell you what's fun

You may remember the guy that I dated that broke up with me via email back in May. He is part of a large circle of friends and we've successfully avoided each other (actually not intentional and merely accidental) since then. After he refused to acknowledge my return email in which I called him a chicken shit, I never spoke to him again. Deleted him from my phone moved on (of course with the help of a 26 year old smokin' hot nurse, but I digress.

Seems that life has turned amusing in the last three weeks or so. First, I found out from my friend Lydell that he started seeing another girl in June or so and had very recently done nearly the same thing to her. Come on strong and then BAM it's over. Very interesting. You would have thought he had learned.

Then, on the 6th, I get a text message. "Hey, sorry I was an ass. Hope everything is going well for you." It took me a little bit to figure out who the hell it was as I had deleted the number, remember? Then it occurred to me that it was Tony and I laughed very hard. I did not respond at all. I did keep the text because it just makes me laugh.

Then he emails me something similar about a week later. Yes, you're an ass and I don't care. Delete. I did not respond. Last weekend a bunch of us met up for some drinks and darts and such. I got to meet Donna very briefly. We hit it off even though neither one of us acknowledged the obvious.

On Saturday night I saw Donna again and this time we talked about it. And we laughed our ever loving heads off about it. The joke were endless as we also realized that she went on a date with a guy that asked me out back in December. We realized we must be the same person or certainly there is a type out there called the Vanessa/Donna. We were crying we were laughing so hard. We thougth it would be clever to just go on dates as a tag team. Some guy is bound to like one of us.

So now we've exchanged numbers and are continuing to laugh at Tony's expense, which makes us feel very good. I can see "I dated Tony and all I got was this stinkin' t-shirt" apparel in our future. Really, it should scare him. But, I have to say that we both adore the idea of us hanging out and being totally fabulous together and realizing that there is some poor slob out there that totally blew it with all this fabulousness! Can you think of anything more fun? I can't.    

I guess it has been a while

I am in a funk.

I went to bed last night at 8:45. My house is a mess and I knew I should clean it. I have a great book I'm in the middle of and I didn't even feel like reading it. I didn't feel like doing a damn thing. I couldn't think of one thing that would make me feel good to do. So I went to bed.

I'm absolutely exhausted. I have to restructure my department at work. I got this news a couple days before our big all day staff retreat. We locked ourselves away for 6 hours and did nothing but strategic planning. This entire week has been spent putting action plans together. It has consumed all of my time this week. But my staff feels inspired and morale is actually good for the first time in ages. I'm eaten lunch at my desk every day and put in some time after Caroline went to bed. The strategic plan is almost 7 pages so far and impressive. But it's not the end. Then I have to do the Board's strategic plan and put together a $7.5 million budget by the end of the month. I have no idea when sleep will be occurring.

I've been more short tempered than usual with Caroline because I've just not had anything left at the end of the day. I have had to force myself to step back, look at her, and she how wonderful she is and then just scoop her up and love on her. I feel bad for her that I can't give her more.

I feel like shit. I keep waking up feeling hungover without having even drank anything. I am still cramping like hell from my procedure. My hormone levels are still way above normal and when you combine this with the 5 pounds I currently have with me that I'd rather not have, I feel fat and ugly. Today starts the major ass kicking workouts at the gym as I'm going to Mexico at the end of the month and goddamn I want to look cute in my new bathing suit. How I'm going to actually find the energy to workout is way beyond me.

I'm beginning to completely lose faith in the male species. I have had the worst luck a girl could possibly have in the last two years. That's not even counting the two years of heinousness that I call the last two years of my marriage. That's a good four years of sheer disappointment. I am tired of being disappointed. I have been let down too much too often. I'm not getting bitter. I said I'd never do that but I've lost hope.

I have writer's block. I've not blogged much because I feel like I have nothing to say. About two weeks ago I did some outlining for some writing because I felt inspired and creative and very excited. I've sat down with those outlines a number of times and nothing has come out. Anything that did sounded trite and like absolute drivel. Just crap. Most times I've just sat and stared at a blank computer screen.

I know I just broke out the ballons and the banner for a full fledged pity party. And fuck it. I don't care. I'm allowed to feel this way every now and again. I reserve the right. It won't last forever but I may need to just wallow a little. And sleep. A lot.