A Room of One's Own

My interest in dating

I finally pinpointed what causes my need to date. Generally, I am busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. I am have a slew of committee and civic work. I try to convince legislators that voting for stupid shit is, well, stupid. I maintain two blogs. I work over 40 hours a week and raise a child. I have plenty to do. But, I feel the overwhelming need for a love life of some kind. Figured out why this week.

I'm not a needy person. I don't need someone to validate my existence. I don't need someone to give me self esteem. I'm not looking for someone to replace something that I lost or to fill a void that won't let me feel complete until it's filled. I don't need any of that crap. I want someone to remind me that I'm a girl.

I work in a very male dominated industry and for clientele that are used to working with other middle aged men. I have spent my whole week pounding my fist, insisting on answers, demanding action, fighting for invitations to meetings I need to be in, defending my team and going toe to toe with people who I am sure I have very much pissed off at this point with my reluctancy to budge. I will not be walked on, plowed over or disregarded. I fight fair but I fight hard.

One of my managers told me last week that what he likes about having me as a boss is that I "manage like a man." Meaning: I don't put up with crap, call it like I see it and refuse to micro manage. I hired these guys because they are smart and know their stuff. I'll let them do what they need to do and if they need my help, they'll let me know. Otherwise, I stay out of it. He had said that he's glad I don't mom them.

We did that color analysis a few months ago and I was a "blue/green" if you have any idea what that means. If you don't it, means that I am at first very sensitve, harmonious, giving, romantic, a dreamer and then second demanding, analytical, abrupt and inquisitive. Odd combination. At work, I am all the second part. My assistant told me she could never imagine me crying. I can't be the sensitive kind at work because I would be eaten alive. So, I have to manage like a man. Keep the other part tucked away.

By the time Friday rolls around, I'm done. I need to feel like a girl again. I need to bake. I need to feel pretty. I need to let someone else makes some decisions. I need that recognition that I don't have a Y chromosome.

What was in my bed

I woke up with the following things either in or on my bed this morning:

• A Verizon Treo
• A T-Mobile Sidekick
• A watch
• A Siamese Cat
• A marketing plan for the Junior League Cookbook
• A business plan for the same cookbook
• Security Post Orders
• A training manual
• A Lee Gutkind edited book called "Our Roots are Deep with Passion - New Essays by Italian Americans"
• Sunglasses
• A box of Kleenex

I am starting to feel like a college student...

Somebody 'splain

I found out today that a co-worker is quitting. I figured she would eventually. She never seemed to like her job all that much. I also figured she'd leave for something else. Nope. She's just leaving. She doesn't want to work anymore.

This puzzles me. I'm not trying to judge but I just don't get it. We are the same age. 32. I could not imagine just being done at 32. If I won the lottery I could imagine that, but then I would know exactly what the sum of money would be I had to live on for the rest of my life. She only has her husband's income, which is very good.

I think this is where my lack of understanding comes from. Maybe it's the tiniest bit of cynicism in me, but I could never wrap up my complete livelihood in another person. I could not be that dependent on someone. I've never understood the conventional wisdom of women doing that.

I am way too proud and I am the most stubborn person I know. Over and over so far this year, it keeps coming back to the fact that I only get once chance at this life and I'm not going to waste a single second. That could mean, for her, that quitting working is the key to that. I struggle every day to find balance. I have plenty to do between work, being a single mom, family, friends, my leadership class, Junior League and trying to write as much and as often as I can. I get a great amount of satisfaction from the fact that I can do this without losing my head. It means more to me than having the freedom to do absolutely nothing for the rest of my life would. I'll get there. I'll quit work someday, buy myself a home someplace amazing and sit on my porch getting fat everyday. I just want to earn that right.

Not your average day

Today, I spent the whole day at the training center for police and fire. I got to go through a police firearms training system. I got to load a laser "magazine" and go through a whole police scenario and shoot at a suspect when and if I deem it necessary. I got to "clear" a room with the SWAT team. I put on 70 pounds of fire uniform and equipment. Helmet, tank, gloves, mask. Then I got to crawl on my hands and knees through a smoke filled room to find my way out using only a fire hose. After that, I put out a car fire.

I did all of this in the rain. I am still freezing. My back is aching. I have a whole new respect for these men and women. That 70 poiunds is back breaking. Literally, after about 30 minutes, I felt like I was losing feeling in my hands. I have to say that I am thrilled to get to do things like this. Just part of doing as much living as I can.

And, karma finally paid off. I knew I did good deeds for a reason. One of the Battalion Chiefs noticed a car in the parking lot had a flat. That would be mine. So, the fire department volunteered to change it. It's not often that you have a Battalion Chief laying on the ground, in the rain, changing your tire while three of his handsome underlings stand there and flirt with you. Darling men, those firemen. Really.

Bees and honey

Last week I was told by someone, "You have to do blah blah blah." Nope, really, I don't. Sorry. And because you were an ass, I'm not really feeling like I want to either. A few days later, someone else asked me to do the same thing the first person wanted but asked nicely. I did it, happily. As a result, I have had 8 people email me in the last 24 hours thanking me and praising me for helping them.

My point is this: the adage about bees and honey is true. I am very motivated to continue helping the people that emailed me because I know it is appreciated. There is satisfaction there. I don't understand why this is a hard concept for some people to grasp. Why do people insist on immediately yelling at people and barking orders and insults at them? Is this really effective? I have a very healthy problem with authority. You order me to do something, I ain't gonna. Simple as that. 

Work groove

I came into work yesterday for a little bit to get caught up and to clear some crap off my desk. I brought int he iPod. I had a delightful moment sitting at my desk with my feet up, reading through paperwork and blaring Sting as loud as I could. It was not bad.

It made me realize that even though I got a cool little speaker hookup for my iPod for my office, I don't use it rarely enough. So I started off my morning having some coffee with a little more Sting. I forgot how much I love him. I'm now totally grooving to Harry Connick, Jr. I am incredibly productive and in a ridiculously good mood. I'm just wracking my brain trying to figure out what to listen to next. Any suggestions for good workday music?

Got a spare $137,000?

Usually the Sunday blog is done in my pajamas, coffee in hand, fabulous music blaring, happy feeling all around. Today's Sunday blog is done from work. It's beautiful outside, it's Sunday, I'm in the office trying to balance a 4 million dollar budget and it ain't pretty. I am $137,000 short right now. If you care to donate it, please let me know, I can make all necessary arrangements.

Sadly, this is a whole lot better than sitting in my very unhappy home. If that unhappy home does not sell real soon, I may be spending the better part of the holiday season in a straight jacket.

On a related note: I am already sick of Christmas music. It needs to just go away. I have NO Christmas spirit. I refuse to acknowledge Christmas this year and here's why: I don't do any half assed. Nothing. If something is worth doing, I will pour my heart and soul into it. I won't be able to do Christmas how I'd like to. I can't go all out. And if I can't do that, it's not worth doing. Does that make sense?

Career change?

I have decided that I need to be employed in some manner that allows me to work from home in my pajamas. It would be best if said job would pay a handsome sum of money. And really, other than whore, I'm at a loss for what that job may be. I'm open to suggestions.

On a completely unrelated note: why is it so damn hot lately? It was 87 degrees today. That is wrong. I have slept with the sliding door to my balcony wide open all this week and still wake up baking hot. I was certain I hadn't winterized my bed too early. I mean, November should be suitable to break out the down cover. Oh, see, the pajamas got me here. I thought about pajamas it led to sleep and around and around. My brains works in odd ways, no? There is method to my madness. I'm not totally random. But, I am rambling.

And speaking of bed, I'm going there now. 'Night.

Ten more hours

I think I officially need to slow down. Yesterday, I pulled 14 hour day. I was driving home last night at 9:00, listening to Ray Charles sing Georgia on My Mind and I just wanted to pull the car over and sit there. Do a cry-and just sit combo. I just felt over whelmed.

I have been running around in circles trying to figure out what I'm doing and where I'm going. The good thing is that I feel like I'm getting somewhere. I don't think I've ever felt this good, looked this good or been as professionally sound. The bad thing is that I am exhausted. I am plum worn out. Is this the price I have to pay for trying to be well adjusted, well rounded and someone that I can be proud of?

I do not want to be the person I was 9 months ago. At the same time, I want to be able to enjoy life a little more. I need a little more time for myself where I'm not doing something that results in something. It just is.